Growing up... they tell you its such a wonderful thing. It's so awesome to be an adult, that you'll want to grow up so fast and never look back.

It's a bunch of crap, if you ask me. I hate it, and every day I wish I could stop it. stop everything. I want to live now and just.. not have anymore future to be disappointed about. I'm tired of the drama that unfolds with every year. The stress, the pain, the sadness. I have experianced so much more already than I ever should have in my life. And yet, ghosts of the past still haunt me and weigh me down.

I turn 20 this year, which to some isn't a big deal at all. To some, 20 is just another year, one lacking to be able to legally drink. I guess you people are lucky to have that to look forward to. I don't drink, so in another year, it's just going to be another age, and more bullshit. I turn 20, which officially brings me out of childhood and into adulthood. Womanhood. I turn 20... 20 years of failure, of regret and remorse and so little to look back and smile on. Two decades... so young, yet so aged. Technology is changing so fast that I can't even keep up with it anymore. these next few years mark the end of Generation X. Everyone is quite frankly a lost and confused generation. We had our moment, we were the shining future, but now look at us. Some of us are so skilled, so multi-talented, yet we still can't keep up. I was born when PCs were just introduced. I have seen the invention of so many things we take for grantide everyday. And babies born after this will be born into a life where Internet rules you, ipods, voice activated cars and stereos, hybrids, and technology so small and fast that we can't even see it or know how far it goes.

And frankly, that scares the shit out of me. This new generation, generation Y, will be a scarey one. The future is scarey and rather dim. Even if you look at it in a positive light... America is simply on a downward spiral that it won't be able to fix for quite some time.

Once, all I had to worry about were making good grades and making time to go outside and play. Now I'm worrying about the economy and how it's slowly starting to crash, and how I have no time anymore to do anything.

20 is nothing to some people, but it is a huge deal to me, and something I wish I could prevent. For the first time in my life, I wish October would never come. I don't want a birthday.